Homeless Dave

Recently it I was invited out for a friend's birthday. Actually a friend of a friend which is important. We all started the evening by meeting at a central location (in order to arrive at the same place at the same time & ensure that we would already be on our way to buzz town by the time we got there). So in true birthday fashion we started with shots. Eventually everyone had arrived and or was accounted for. Time to begin the evening.

In an effort to be socially responsible I caught a ride to the first bar of choice. As with most great bars there's a gigantic patio (America is only free for non smokers) for our enjoyment. For you now smoking Nazis out there, you are seriously missing out. There is no more social group than smokers. At any rate our group of 15 or so arrived and quickly migrated to the patio. Once outside I ran into my buddy Tear.

Tear is a special case. He has this amazing ability to find and befriend gorgeous women. Unfortunate for him he is incapable of closing the deal. I'm not one to miss an opportunity so after a few introductions and shots we merged groups. This turned out to be amazingly beneficial for me later, because one of the whores from the original crew decided to strike me in the face. No worries, I was able to continue my evening with Tear and my newly made friends. It was time to go anyway.

I was able to manage a ride to the next bar. We had just about shut down #2 and someone had the great idea that if we were going to continue living hard and fast after closing that we better leave now in order to commandeer more supplies before the dreaded 2am cut off. Again I was able to secure another ride. Quick stop by the liquor store, where I was able to procure a case of Budweiser on the way to Tear's parent's house. (Yes he's 30 yrs old & back at mom & dad's place) This was particularly convenient for me because said house is only about 4 blocks from my gated apartment community.

At Tear's parents' the drinking continued. I realized at some point that I had been awake for something close to 24 hrs and drinking for about 12 of those. I don't know if my adrenaline was wearing thin or it was this realization, but either way my eyelids starting getting heavier. Resting my eyes for a minute or two seemed like a good idea at the time. Even in my semiconscious state there are certain words that anyone would pick up on. One of those words was quietly uttered just before I left: Sharpie! Lets be honest, this was why I left. I didn't want to wake up to a penis drawn on the side of my face.

Here's the rub. I had managed to finagle no less than half a dozen rides this particular evening. Well I guess my ride luck ran out with my adrenaline. In hind site it's understandable. Fun loving drunk Dave everyone wants to be around (& give rides). On the verge of passing out and or pissing on himself Dave just isn't such a good time. So in true 5 yr old fashion I said: Fine, fuck all of you, I'm taking my beer and going home.

'The journey of a thousand steps starts with one' right? Let me tell you, 1 step is probably better than mass amounts of Budweiser and Jagermeister. At any rate, given my limited options I started walking. Within the first 5 minutes of my walk I came to the realization that 20 bottles of beer really isn't much lighter than 24. At this point it occurs to me to switch arms that I'm using to carry the load. This was almost as good as my idea to spread the load out by carrying a single beer in my left hand. The single was getting progressively lighter with every drink.

So now I'm walking down the road, drunk and getting drunker contemplating the ultimate sin: leaving the beer behind. Then like manna from heaven right there in front of me appears a red shopping cart from a place who's logo looks a lot like a target. I'm telling you, never before or since have I had my prayers answered so quickly. Now with a renewed vigor I'm back to my journey home. Pushing my shopping cart full of precious cargo like some sort of homeless person.

Eventually (the time frame is unclear) I make it to the back entrance of my apartment complex. Here I am. I can save myself easily a half a block if I can only negotiate this gate. I size up my foe, look at the only weapon that I have (previously mentioned cart) and decide to try it. I manage to muster enough strength to get the cart about halfway into the gates. It wasn't going any further though, for all of my effort. It was then that I realized I had created at least enough of a gap for a grown, I'll be it drunk man to get through, and I simply climbed in one side of the cart and out the other into the promised land.

We're not of the woods yet though. As I'm staring down the long 50 yards of asphalt driveway separating me from my calling bed it dawns on me that I have to pee with the urgency of a 90 yr old man. Drunk or not, I'm no animal. I'm not going to piss outside! Honestly this is more the fear that even though I had managed to avoid the law to this point that I would be spotted by an officer of the law and be labeled a sex offender for the rest of my life for relieving myself on some innocent bushes. I decide to go for it. Even though having left my on beer transportation vehicle in the gate put me back to carrying my precious cargo. Don't underestimate the added pressure that 17 bottles of beer puts on your bladder (yes, I was still lightening the load one at a time even though my four wheeled savior was there). Somehow I made it all the way to the steps of my apartment before wetting myself in yet another 5 yr old move.

Alls well that ends well I suppose. I made it home, Tear no longer lives with his folks, and most important of all Johny law has no record of this evening.

Michelle's Note: It must also be said that after D. abandoned said savior cart in the gate, D. went to the gated community's office the next morning and said "Why the fuck is there a shopping cart jammed into the gate? I can't get my car out."