Worst Thing I've Ever Done

Really? M says this is the worst thing I've ever done. I can't imagine that I'm the only person to ever throw a dead cat.

Background. On this fateful midwest spring afternoon we were coming to the end of a long painful winter and an even longer more painful relationship. Hard to say what the tipping point was, but now I'm me & she joined a convent. Probably just wasn't meant to be.

I was parked on the street gathering a few belongings and packing my car. Crazy Bitch was helping me to remove my shit from the domicile via the 2nd floor window. Where I appreciated her saving me the stairs with my television and radio, the cat seemed a little overkill.

Before we get to the cat though I should mention that electronic devices and small animals weren't the only things being hurled that afternoon. The insults were flying and apparently drawing lots of attention. This would've been helpful to consider before what happened next. Concerned neighbor (possibly the one that wanted to fuck Crazy Bitch in the worst kind of way and later went on to become professional wrestler) called the local police department.

Back to the story at hand. Expensive crap and insults being flung carelessly through the air. Who could've predicted what would happen next? He comes Elwood, a beautiful orange cat, through the air in only a way that a cat can, completely spread eagle. I'm not sure what went through Elwood's head first, but I can tell you what went through it last; the side walk.

Enter Local Law Enforcement

D: What am I going to do with a dead cat?!?! (I did the only logical thing I could at this point: give back the cat. I'm no baseball player, but in the heat of battle you can shock yourself with your strength and accuracy for hurling 12 lbs of dead animal, because I sure caught Crazy Bitch right in the face as she was readying herself to throw something else of mine out the open window.

CB: (Seeing the look on before mentioned cop's face) RAPE! He's going to kill me.

I'll give you that I was pissed, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't leap into 2nd floor windows from street level. I never talked to CB again after this day, but I'm speculating that at this point her objective was to earn me a Rodney King style beating. At this point though, having seen me hurl a dead cat Mr. Patrolman wasn't taking any chances. This was the 2nd time in my life that I had a gun pointed at me.

Conclusion: I was given what the judge considered to be fitting community service. I was to help out at the local animal shelter for 40 hrs. By help out I mean cleaning up dog shit by the pound under the baking sun. I only ever saw CB one time after that (another blog if there's sufficient interest) and am not sure whatever happened to her. I'm ok with that. As for the police officer, I don't think he was ever the same after having seen that side of human nature.