My First Horse

16yrs old, hot summer day, 3 friends (1 guy, 2 girls) and no school. What were 4 young kids to do? Well go to the park of course.

Lucky for us Toothpick had a car. Toothpick had a thing for one of the two girls, Pony. Needless to say Toothpick was little guy, all of 100 lbs soaking wet and 5' 10''. Pony was a pretty girl, but a little on the chunky side. (Side bar: These two went on to get married after high school and have 4 or 5 children) Now, the other girl; Breezy. I didn't have any particular interest in Breezy other than she was a girl and most probably had a vagina. This was enough interest for a summer afternoon. Breezy was a little bitty girl and to see the four of us walking nobody would've paired us up the way we did.

Fast forward a couple of hours and we're hanging out by the river. In an effort to get both girls naked and possibly pregnant I suggest swimming. Toothpick picks up on what I'm up to and is immediately stripping down. The girls aren't sure that they're in on this idea so I get the best idea of the year. If I were to do the canon ball of a lifetime and get them both wet then they'll want to swim because they're already wet. Great idea, right?

Unfortunately even the best ideas have variables that you can't plan for. I charge at the river like a horny bull, launch myself from a 6ft embankment, tuck my feet far as they'll go under my ass, and soar majestically through the air. I am on my way to making the best cannon ball ever and then possibly some babies.

Enter the variable.

I enter the first inch of water. Feet don't even realize how cold the water is. Enter the 2nd inch, huge mischievous grin on my face. Enter the 3rd inch of water. STOPPED cold by an unseen rock. I never made it any deeper than 3 inches (in the water or Breezy). This is the most excruciating pain of my young life. The kind of pain that makes you hyperventilate and probably sounds like laughing to assholes. I call them assholes because they were all laughing hysterically.

I may have laughed if I saw it happen to someone else, but for me I was busy. Someone had to be responsible enough to try to figure out if I had just broken my foot or if I had also shattered my sphincter. Dragging myself out 3 inches of water on to the beach with laughing friends it took a good 5 minutes for me to convince them that I was genuinely hurt. Once everyone calmed down we had the daunting challenge of getting my crippled ass back to the car.

Of course the first choice is for Toothpick to give me a piggy back. That lasted for about 7 or 8 steps and he realized that in his emaciated state that carrying his own body weight was going to take all of his energy. Choice 2: Piggy Front on Breezy. You know, where I would ride facing her on her shoulders and at least take a shot at some throat babies. That idea didn't go over very well. This leaves Pony.

God bless this girl, because she just looked at me and said: Hop on. Hop on I did. I'm not joking about the fact that I was seriously close to passing out from the pain. The problem is that we're a good 2 miles from the car. I'm no doctor but I know this will be quite a trek for Pony. I take it on myself to keep the mood light and her mind off the 160lb growth that she's recently acquired on her back.

The conversation was dying down a bit. Truly I believe that the severity of the situation was beginning to set in for all of us. Now without even thinking I decide to break the silence with well placed joke.

Dave: Pony, I'm going to name my first horse after you. (Accompanied by a well placed swat on the ass)

Pony: Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (laughing so hard that she dropped me on the questionable foot)

I would love to tell you that after everyone stopped laughing and pony picked me back up that I didn't repeat the exact same joke again. I would love to tell you that because if it had gone down that way maybe I could run in a straight line today. Unfortunately it's just not in my nature to let a good joke go to waste. To this day I will risk bodily injury for a good laugh.

It was later confirmed by the doctors in the ER that in fact I had broken every bone in my foot. My young shame wouldn't allow me to tell them that I had a shooting pain in my ass, literally. All these years later though my ass seems to be fine. This is my favorite memory of summer love.